Realization: Foolishness

Foolishness comes in everyone's life, but the kind of foolishness that you always remember is the kind you least suspect. With me, my foolishness was my money, especially during these past few years. I've always been careful with it, saving it and such. But, then, my family problems started to grow and I felt I had to help, or people would see me as selfish. So, I gave up my savings and took out loans to help, thinking that it would be enough, but it wasn't. Everyone was stress, me more so, because I tried to help as best I could, but it wasn't enough. Instead of finding a healthy way to cope, I went to credit cards to deal. I felt that I had something to control in that situation. Then, I got into debt. I went to Credit Advisors for help and got out of debt. However, it didn't late long because my family needed help and my mom was in the hospital, so I had to take out credit cards and loans to help once again, but I ended up worse off than before. At times, I felt like screaming at my family and blaming them for getting me in this situation, not once, but twice. But, then, I stopped myself, realizing that I got myself in this and I had to deal with the results of my actions.

My advice is this: if you're stress out over whatever, find a healthier way to deal than going for the quick fix:

1. Talk to a therapist.
2. Talk to good friends.
3. Play with your pets.
4. Play with your kids.
5. Clean, clean, clean. :D
6. Exercise.
7. Listen to music.
8. Meditate.
9. Read.
10. Write in a journal.
11. Write poetry.
12. Write a story.
13. Sketch.

Whatever else you can think of that's healthy, do it.

Realization: Graditude

I, like everyone, I think forgets to be grateful for what they already have and lament on want we don't have. This could be anything. It reminds me of President Toda said in The Human Revolution, Book 2: People suffers because they see their neighbors with new and expensive things and feel that they should have those things, too but don't have the means to do so. He also said that science should bring people together and benefit mankind towards the greater good, not divide us. When I read what he said, I thought, "Hey, That's Me! I'm trying to keep up with everyone around instead of being grateful for what I already got!" It's very easy to forget to be grateful.

Realization: Perfection

To me, I feel like everywhere I turn, people except me to be perfect. Perfect body, perfect genetics, perfect credit, perfect job, perfect house, etc. But, what is perfect and what's the real price of it? I tried to be perfect because I thought that's what people expected of me. But, I didn't feel perfect; I felt pressured to keep up the facade out of fear of rejection or ridicule and it ended up hurting me in the end. Also, I think of others who resort to crime, terrorism, etc.; they hurt others because they are hurting. They feel that they're imperfect and those who are perfect need to suffer or they feel that they are perfect and those who are imperfect must submit to their will or suffer. I don't want to be perfect anymore. All I want is for people to love and accept me for all that I am, faults and all. When I pass on, I don't want to be asked, were you perfect in your life? I want to be asked, did you live a good life despite your imperfections?

Realization: Family

Today, I had to ride with my sister when she was going to pick up my aunt and her daughter. She, well, she hates their guts with a passion. It is because they've been disrespectful to her and her daughter, stealing their stuff and just messing with their lives. I could tell that it told every once of self restraint my sister had not to kill them. I guess that's why I had to go with her. Afterwards, it got me thinking, if these people hate each other, always plot for the others unhappiness, why are we even a family in the first place? It doesn't make sense. What also makes no sense is bringing a child in the world when you're not all together. My mom has always had an issue with weight. That started to spill over to my sister when mom started to put her in weight loss programs. Then, it spilled over to me, but I didn't realize it until later. When I was ten, I thought that my sister ate a candy bar of mine and I called her 'fat' in front of her friend on the phone. Well, she told mom and mom slapped me in the face, angry that I said that. She didn't apologize until a few days later. I didn't understand why what I said hurt, until what Lisa told me in the car today. Nobody explained to me back then how hurtful that word was or how much my mom and my sister struggle with it. Mom just slap me, yelled at me and apologized with no explanation as to why she did it. Well, years later, mom and I had a big blow-out and I brought it up. She said that my aunt would do the same thing. But, I kept telling her that I wasn't my aunt and that I was me. But, she didn't listen. Today, mom lost weight from gastric bypass, but she has complications. My sister is angry with our mom because she's always sick. Right now, I feel sad because I don't understand why my family members spent so much time and effort hurting each other or why we're even together in the first place. Also, I don't want to be thin. I thought I did because I thought that what everyone expected of me. Then, I saw my mom. Not only is she still having complications, she's not the same person I thought that I knew. She's moody, angry and mad at everything. I don't want that. I don't want to be something I'll never be because the world wants me to. Also, I don't want to be like my mom: suffering right now because her weight obsession was much more important than the love of her family and the love of those who care about.